I’m not really very good at this sort of thing so I will introduce myself in the style of a certain fictional character – the real me is not nearly so negative though …
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If you really want to hear about it, the first things you’ll probably want to know are who I am, where I’m from and what my lousy writing is like, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. I mean, my writing’s pretty good, and all — I’m not saying it isn’t — but I’m not going to bore you with my whole autobiography or anything.
What I will tell you is that I live in this crumby town in the north-east of England. You’ve probably never heard of it. Anyway, when I started this writing thing I got so down about it I almost threw it in. But I kept at it, scribbling away into the early hours, and one day I had an article published in this corny magazine. It was only one lousy article but man you should’ve seen me parading it like some sort of hot-shot. I got a big bang out of that.
More corny articles followed, and soon after this I did this crumby book that sold a heluva lot. Man, I almost had a nosebleed when I saw how much dough it made. I even had to go on TV about it and act like I was this big-shot writer – that killed me.
I suppose my next achievement — if you can call it that — was a crumby piece I did for radio about these two phonies moving house. It was all about superstition and how some people believe in it and others don’t. I thought it was all right, but it got broadcast anyway.
So that’s it. I mainly goof about like a madman these days, but when I put my head down to do some work, it’s usually lousy magazine articles, web copy and stuff. But I’m still working on that big novel that will make me a hatful of dough.
That would kill me.